While it is common to hear women share that they feel like they've lost the essence of who they are when they became a mother, "I lost myself", we hear. I don't have that shared experience.
When my daughter was born, it was my rebirth too.
I remember laying numb on the operating table from my neck down. The room was cold, stark white, lights so bright above me that it was hard to keep my eyes open. They had rolled me into the operating room in a frenzy for an emergency c-section. Mila's head was a face position and stuck in the birth canal. I remember thinking that it was too good to be true. It had taken years to get here. I had multiple miscarriages, multiple failed IVF transfers, so when I learned my 3rd IVF resulted in a pregnancy, I spent the remainder of my 9 months waiting for the other shoe to drop. My pregnancy was consumed by an overwhelming amount of anxiety. Anxiety only known by those who've experienced infertility, loss x pregnancy. So when my doctor urgently called to the nurses that we needed to get Mila out, my body started convulsing out of control. I thought I was going to die. They started prepping me for the c-section and everything was a blur. It happened so fast. They rolled me into the operating room. My husband stood nervously behind my left shoulder.
My anesthesiologist was an angel. I don't even remember his name. He looked like Santa Claus (minus the outfit, because that would be weird in an operating room). His voice was smooth like honey. I felt so at ease with his presence. I listened to him while the doctors cut me open. He kept telling me that it was okay, that I was doing great, and that It was okay to close my eyes. I told him that I was afraid that if I did, that I would never wake up. I remember saying "I just want to look at her before I die". Dramatic right? He put me at ease, placing is hand gently on my right shoulder and whispering in my ear, "you are okay Marilyn, everything is going to be okay, I promise". I chose to believe him. When I did, relief washed over me and Mila was out of my body. Many women say their c-section experience was traumatic....I say mine was not. Despite my very normal anxieties of having 7 layers of my body cut open. It was my doctors and my anesthesiologist who made me feel safe. My husband was paralyzed in shocked the entire time, but having him there was helpful too.
When my husband placed Mila by my head (because I was numb from the neck down and they were placing my organs back in place) for the first time, everything changed for me. She was born, and I was reborn too.
I found myself when I became a mother. A statement uncommon, an unpopular opinion, but this is true. Everything about me, my soul, who I was supposed to be, all fell in place. It all made sense. This breath of knowing filled my nostrils and made way to my lungs. I was never going to be the same again.
A lioness was born. A woman uncaged, ready to roar. A woman filled with ancient wisdom, grace, steady, confident, gentle, kind, nurturing, dynamic, with an unlimited amount of love, pulsed through my veins. Was this the new me? Or was it her awakening my souls journey of centuries ago?
She awoke a part of me that laid dormant underneath a stack of forgotten books collecting dust. She entered this lifetime with her own agenda. Teaching ME purpose, intuition, creativity, love for the simplicity that surrounds us. She's taught me forgiveness, and to slow down. She is my soulmate.
I cannot relate to the moms that say they need a break from their child. I do understand everyone's experience is different and I certainly do not want this to be received as judgemental or insensitive because all of our circumstances are different. But this simply is a testimony of my personal experience. Are there times I need to take a beat, a breather because I feel overwhelmed? Absolutely. But when I reflect and peel back the 'why', it is my own junk, my own unresolved stuff that comes up causing that inner resistance. She is my greatest teacher and she will never know it.
I love observing how she moves through the world around her. She is 7 now, and in school full-time. I spend my days working as a business owner, jam packing my time so when she gets home from school, it is mommy and Mila time. I put my phone away ( no reason to have it out while she's with me). I really try to be as present and intentional when we are together. I often think about her story. I am a character in HER story. The character I play is critical to the foundation of who she becomes, how she'll move through life as she grows and faces obstacles and opportunities. I think about this alot. Maybe too much.
I have her to thank for unknowingly awakening my soul, just by choosing me to be her mother.